So what do you do if your teen is flirting with trouble? Have you tried repeatedly to enforce rules and eliminate the bad behavior, but your teen will not listen to you? Do not call the police to “teach your kid a lesson” unless you intend to allow the legal system to run its course. Law enforcement officials will not “go easy” on your child because it is a first offense, or because he/she is a juvenile. Once you call the police, you have ushered your child into the legal system which can be a complicated system to navigate.
What happens if your child has already been arrested?
What Not To Do
- Do not go through the juvenile justice system without a lawyer.
- Do not be afraid of the stigma of having a troubled teen, and avoid the issue. You have a real problem that needs to be addressed and dealt with.
- Don’t ever think that you don’t need a lawyer!
To Do
- If you don’t want your child in the legal system, call a bondsman, and get him/her out of jail as soon as possible. This may be especially important if your child is on medication. Jail is not equipped to handle kids on meds.
- Contact a Criminal Defense Attorney. There are many kinds of attorneys, who specialize in different areas of legal expertise. Be sure you have a Criminal Defense Attorney.
- Trust is important, and you will need to develop a relationship with your attorney. Choose the lawyer that is right for you. Interview more than one attorney before you decide.
- Do not rush to make a decision, and make a plea just to end the process. Remember, this is a government system and everything will take time.
Paul Damico
Criminal Defense Attorney
The Woodlands, Texas
This is a great link if your child is incarcerated in an adult facility in Texas. You will be able to email, add money to the commissary card, and add money to phone cards. You will need a credit card to add money to the accounts and to buy virtual ‘stamps’ for the emails. The link is:
www.jpay.com
The following link will take you to an organization called Cornerstone Recovery – an excellent resource for teens and families in recovery.
http://www.cornerstonerecovery.org/knowledge/
“My Teen Ran Away.”
You are in shock. You feel helpless. Is your child safe? Is your child even alive? These are just a few of the thoughts that go through your head when you realize your child sneaked away from the house, is not where she said she would be, or has left a note, packed a bag and left your home. Take a deep breath, try to stay calm and focus. The first thing that will hit you is “is this really happening?” A walk out after a fight is a cooling off period. 24 hours of no contact is more serious. If your teen has decided to leave your home and protection, whether they like it or not, you must do all that you can to protect them.
The following are deliberate steps that you must take once this happens.
If it has been less than 24 hours
Phone:
Phone friends, friends’ parents, and friends of friends. This is no time to kick yourself for not confiscating your teen’s phone or insisting in the past that you have contact information for friends (go to worksheets and download Contact List). Right now you must get information. If you have no contact information then phone the school. They will have a directory and once you explain your situation they may help you locate kids your child hangs out with. Phone their parents. School administrators may even pull kids out of class to question them. Kids are not very good at keeping secrets so it is likely one child will have some idea where your child is, where they were last, or who they were with. If you have your child’s phone, then send a text to everyone in her phonebook saying, “Suzy is missing. Please contact (your number) if you have any information about her. If you are hiding her understand that you are committing a crime and we will press charges.” You are NOT overreacting. You are trying to find your child.
The Police:
By running away, your teen is committing a crime (at least in the jurisdictions we are aware of). Results from calling the police before 24 hours has passed will depend on the town, the age of your child*, and your child’s history of running away. Regardless, we recommend that you contact the police immediately. We recommend this for three reasons. First and foremost the safety of your child; getting a large number of resources mobilized quickly will give you the greatest chance of finding your child quickly. Second, it protects you. If you do not report your child as a runaway then you may be found negligent or a party to your child’s criminal act (running away). Finally, when you find your teen, you may need help. Teens who are angry and trying their best not to be found may run when they see mom or dad looking. If this happens, the police are an excellent resource to corral your teen. The police will need a photograph so locate a recent photograph of your child and be prepared to describe what she was wearing that day. Download “My Child’s Information” from Worksheets and Forms and this will help you organize your thoughts for the police as well as for yourself. You are scared and anxious right now so it will be helpful to write things down so you don’t forget.
*In many jurisdictions police may be reluctant to dedicate resources to teen runaways 17 years of age and older. Please check with your local law enforcement to be sure.
Dr. Kate Walker, Ph.D., LPC, LMFT
AchieveBalance.org
When you find out your child has been using drugs or alcohol it’s common to feel angry. You blame yourself. You blame your child’s friends. You blame the school. Take a deep breath, try to stay calm and focus. If your teen has decided to start using drugs and alcohol whether he likes it or not, you must do all that you can to protect him.
The following are deliberate steps that you must take.
Define the problem
Many parents get stuck here. We are far from the days of Nancy Reagan’s “Just Say No,” campaign; however, society sends mixed messages about drug and alcohol use. Parents wonder if it’s okay to set a boundary when they themselves have a drug or alcohol problem. Perhaps they’ve heard from their friends or a therapist that a little experimentation is okay. And of course, there is the hope that it was only this ‘one time’ and your child does not have a problem. Here is what the experts say (from the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual, 4th edition):
Substance Abuse
Substance dependence is defined as a maladaptive pattern of substance use leading to clinically significant impairment or distress as manifested by one (or more) of the following, occurring within a 12-month period:
- Recurrent substance use resulting in a failure to fulfill major role obligations at work, school, or home (such as repeated absences or poor work performance related to substance use; substance-related absences, suspensions, or expulsions from school; or neglect of children or household).
- Recurrent substance use in situations in which it is physically hazardous (such as driving an automobile or operating a machine when impaired by substance use)
- Recurrent substance-related legal problems (such as arrests for substance related disorderly conduct)
- Continued substance use despite having persistent or recurrent social or interpersonal problems caused or exacerbated by the effects of the substance (for example, arguments with spouse about consequences of intoxication and physical fights).
Alternatively, the symptoms have never met the criteria for substance dependence for this class of substance.
Substance Dependence
Addiction (termed substance dependence by the American Psychiatric Association) is defined as a maladaptive pattern of substance use leading to clinically significant impairment or distress, as manifested by three (or more) of the following, occurring any time in the same 12-month period:
- Tolerance, as defined by either of the following:
(a) A need for markedly increased amounts of the substance to achieve intoxication or the desired effect
or
(b) Markedly diminished effect with continued use of the same amount of the substance.
- Withdrawal, as manifested by either of the following:
(a) The characteristic withdrawal syndrome for the substance
or
(b) The same (or closely related) substance is taken to relieve or avoid withdrawal symptoms.
- The substance is often taken in larger amounts or over a longer period than intended.
- There is a persistent desire or unsuccessful efforts to cut down or control substance use.
- A great deal of time is spent in activities necessary to obtain the substance, use the substance, or recover from its effects.
- Important social, occupational, or recreational activities are given up or reduced because of substance use.
- The substance use is continued despite knowledge of having a persistent physical or psychological problem that is likely to have been caused or exacerbated by the substance (for example, current cocaine use despite recognition of cocaine-induced depression or continued drinking despite recognition that an ulcer was made worse by alcohol consumption).
You know that drugs and alcohol are bad for your teen physically, and you’ve read the definitions, but you still aren’t sure your teen’s drinking or drug use is a problem. This may help:
Teenage drinking and drug use is illegal
Allowing a teen to drink or use drugs is also illegal.
Dr. Kate Walker, Ph.D., LPC, LMFT
AchieveBalance.org
